6/25/2022

The past few days have been taken up mostly in thinking. My brain has been a mess of overlapping, conflicting, convoluted plans and possibilities, names and numbers, pricing and dropped cellphone calls. Argh! I wonder what all the fuss with cellphones is!

I have even begun to consider leaving everything behind, and simply buying a ticket and flying off to Japan. It’s a developed country, after all, and anything I leave here can be repurchased there, right? Ah, all except for the sentimental items, like my mother’s cherished Oriental chest and my Chinese screen.

I am now considering doing an estate sale of most household items, and keeping just a few select pieces that I’d have shipped to Japan. But that, too, creates problems, like people shuffling in and out of our home. An undesirable situation.

I have been sending money to Japan without any indication that our funds are actually deposited! Panic? Better to do some concentrated research.

Speaking of panic, I just came across an article on the psychology of panic and its origins. It explains that panic may have its origins in infancy, where fear or upsets were not sufficiently soothed by the adults around. Indeed, that is my history. My mother told me that the protocol at the kibbutz was to let infants cry themselves to sleep, without having the parents come in and soothe them or cuddle them or comfort them. As a result, the baby grows into adulthood seeing possible catastrophe at every turn. Is it any wonder that I have a tendency to panic and catastrophize?

So here’s a situation that’s now got me twisted into pretzels: A gentleman called, suggesting I do an estate sale. He was extremely charming and appeared legit, but now he’s ghosting me. I called back – twice – and he suggested that I get someone else. So, did he give up on me, just like that? Should I give my things away to the Salvation Army, as planned, or wait for his call? Feel like a teenager waiting for the guy to call back! He was in such a hurry yesterday to touch base and offer his services, and now, he has disappeared!

I like predictability. Certainty. Reassurances that seem very elusive right now. Our plans are chaotic, and feel like a juggler’s balls being tossed around, bouncing against each other. I feel quite anxious and disoriented, not knowing which step to take first.

Resolving this uncertainty produces weird fantasies, such as simply locking the door and walking away. Now. Today. The reality is that we must wait. Several irons are in the fire, from obtaining the Certificate of Eligibility to obtain permanent residency in Japan to organizing an estate sale, ordering a shipping company in time for our move, to securing a place to ship our household to. For, of course, as of right now, we have no home to go to when we close on this one.

After a lifetime of building my home, my life, my surroundings, I am now being plunged into the unknown, facing the possibility of ridding myself of some of my beloved things that carry sentimental value to me. Memories of my mother, my son, my old life. But in truth, I am a willing, if anxious, participant in this process. No one is forcing me to go along with these plans.

So what is to be done? The Certificate of Eligibility is the first step to obtaining a Permanent Resident Visa to live in Japan, and according to my research, this can take from one to three months. Other articles suggest as long as eight months! We are closing on this house in less than three months. This is a basic unknown that underlies a great deal of my anxiety. However, if I were to unpack it, it seems that the only snag is the question of time, not a question of if. So we could be rudderless for a while.

As to the shipping of our goods, the shipping company needs a minimum of 45 days to secure contract. But if we sell most of our goods at an estate sale, shipping will not be that arduous or involved. So we must complete the estate sale before booking a shipping company.

The proposed estate sale is set for May 21, three weeks away, and I’ll have to deal with a crowd of people coming in and out of our home. So be it. It’s part of the process.

After the closing, if we don’t yet have the visa, we plan to stay with John until the visa arrives, then fly off to Japan. Mind you, we have no home to go to in Japan, so that presents the problem of our items arriving in Japan before we do, and the question of where to store them arises.

To add to the mix is the possibility of taking a cruise with our vouchers prior to flying off to Japan. So far, cruises departing from the west coast seem the most logical. So we can fly into Seattle or Vancouver, carrying with us our luggage, take our cruise, then fly from Seattle or Vancouver to – where? If we have the visa, to Japan; if not, Taipei? Stay there, living in a hotel, until we obtain our visa? Can we get a visa from the Japanese Embassy in Taipei?

Oh, my, such upheaval at my age! I have never been so adventuresome. And it is not comfortable.