7/3/2022

The past couple of days have been calmer. Until last night, when, because our paperwork had not yet reached Japan despite our paying for Express Mail, Hideo called his daughter to again check, and she became angry. She felt pressured, and reacted, assuring him again that she gave her word and will do what’s required, in spite of being ill with cancer and not feeling well. Of course, I became full of guilt that we are burdening her with our troubles. She should not be put in a position of twisting into pretzels because we want to move to Japan. Well, actually, Hideo wants to move to Japan. And he had the temerity to make me feel as though the only reason he called was because I was pushing him.

I responded that this was not on me. I’m not pushing him – he wants to move to Japan, while I don’t, yet I have to do all the work of coordinating the details!

I feel quite resentful now.

In fact, I am now entertaining all sorts of thoughts and fantasies about divorce, letting him do his thing with returning to Japan at his leisure, in his timing and that of his daughter, and letting me off the hook.

But I am facing myself now. My steeped-in sense of compliance and a sense of duty, or rather, an inability to make decisions. I’m stuck; have always been incredibly resistant to making decisions. So I go along, resentful, even as I continue to fill the necessary slots and move inexorably in a direction I ostensibly do not want to go.

Moving to Japan is a major, monumental life change.

So is divorce.