7/7/2022

I have not practiced the piano in many weeks. I feel like a dilettante, picking up a project, working it like a madwoman, obsessing over details, only to abandon it a few years hence. I have not painted in eleven years, and am now giving away many of my framed works. I can always recreate them, I rationalize, and besides, there is just so much that we can ship to Japan. Is that the trajectory that I’ll take with the piano? I have now embarked on a new project, that to learn Japanese. If ever I needed an excuse to drop my piano …

I know I’ll feel differently in a day or so.

I can’t shake a feeling of apprehension. The novelty of a new life, completely foreign, language, writing, reading, government, social fabric – everything. Will I be accepted? Will we make friends, lasting friends? Will I be happy?

As I contemplate these issues, I realize how self-centered I am. I’m worried about myself and how this move will affect me, my likes, my habits, my lifestyle. Some of these concerns are fully legitimate, of course. And yet, I wonder if they border on narcissism. The specter of this personality trait appalls me, as I had never thought of myself as narcissistic, given how badly my mother treated me. I had been telling the story of my mother for years, looking for sympathetic ears, for answers, for validation of my pain and suffering. Indeed, I have behaved like her victim my entire life until she passed away when I was 65 years old. Up until then, I was her slave, her foot rag, her toy, for her to do with as she pleased, and she did plenty. I felt abused and put upon, and was never able to sever our relationship and stand up for myself. In fact, that had been a constant complaint of mine. Now I wonder if I set things up unconsciously to make myself look the victim even as I used that abuse to adopt, develop and refine my personality.

Boy, that hits home. So I’ve acted the victim so I could manipulate those around me? That’s abhorrent!

There can be no question that I was abused. Then again, did I not put myself in that situation? Just as now I’m moving to Japan seemingly kicking and screaming all the way. That’s a racket. I have agency, and I don’t have to go. On the other hand, love would include giving this gift to Hideo, doing for him what he has done for me for the past 30 years, stepping outside my comfort zone for his sake, learning to adapt to the unknown, learning to roll with the punches in a new environment.

I realize that a major part of my personality is that I like to be in control. I justify that in myriad ways, but beyond the healthy realm of being in charge and responsible for one’s life and decisions, I try to control my environment, Hideo, how things are done, the Embassy, how fast they issue visas, etc., etc. Not a single item escapes my need to control its timing, the price, or the way it’s done.

“My world is too unpredictable to leave anything to chance.” Dr. Les Carter.  

It’s exhausting. And I’m so afraid of letting go.